Well today is story time. My story. What happened to me in high school in Mumbai and first year of college in Boston.  My story doesn’t make me vulnerable anymore. It makes me stronger. I have worked on this post for about a couple of months, trying to organize, reread my personal blog, making a picture to present, and showing who I really am.

Everyone has a story. It what makes them who they are now. Most people don’t tell their stories for various reasons. I don’t tell my story with much detail to avoid finger-pointing, judgements, or publicly humiliating my bullies. Some would call that as being the bigger person. But for me, it’s a combination of things happen for a reason and people make mistakes.

I have been through a lot. In a short amount of time. I went into a deep dark hole where there was no hint of light coming in. 6 years of hell. I was someone who tried too hard to be liked and wanted to be everyone’s friend. I wasn’t myself. I didn’t create myself, I simple put together a personality with the help of media that was liked by people, or so I thought. I got hurt a lot by people who treated me badly, judged me, made me feel invisible and wanted me to hold no significance.

In high school, we are all in this place where we don’t know how to act or behave towards each other or with each other. We are all trying to fit in. Our level of maturity is so low that it’s probably resting in the sewage. We don’t know who we are. We are all messed up cause we are trying to figure ourselves out. However sometimes that process takes people a lifetime to figure out. People don’t mature with age.

Anyways, how does this tie into my life. Well, my role in high school was “victim”. I was victimized for a lot of things and misunderstood for a lot of things. I was naive and didn’t know how to play the games to survive high school. I was a victim to cyberbullying the first year I came to India. That incident basically decided my social standing and persona I held when people heard my name throughout the five years I was there.

I wasn’t confident so anxiety and depression started lurking and got worse over the years. I wasn’t supported by many. Teachers doubted my ability to perform. Friends doubted my need of presence in their social circle. I started doubting my presence and my ability. Things started to spiral but I kept a brave face and kept moving forward hoping things would change over time. They never did really. I never told my parents cause I didn’t want to depend on anyone.

Over time, I developed depression and anxiety and my need to have chaos in my life. I never knew what stability felt like. I didn’t understand who I was or how to be a person. I had my thoughts at nights and slept it off almost every night. I tried to create another life out of school but that was hard. It became a ritual to cry at night and smile in the morning. I worked hard and pushed myself to the tipping point but my test anxiety got to me every time that I would get Cs and sometimes Bs. In fact in 11th grade, I had almost come to terms that I won’t even get into a good college.

I had gone into a whole other universe that I didn’t know how to get out . To be continued….