Around Mid-February, I had a relapse into depression again. It’s a scary thing when you go back into the dark. It’s harder too because suddenly you are confused as to why you are back in the hole. You come out so bravely and celebrate and rejoice but then out of nowhere you are back in the hole.

I will not lie, I felt like a failure when I realized that I had relapsed. Especially when I took so much pride that I managed to crawl out of the dark hole. But “shit happens” and that’s the thing about depression, it never leaves you so you are constantly in a battle with your head. I was ashamed of myself and found it difficult to tell my parents that I was back in my hole again.

I did a lot of things to come out alive again. I started therapy again, I made my friends drag my butt to hang out with them more, I forced myself to go to new cafes. I tried my coping mechanisms, which were failing on me so I had to make new ones that worked for me. All this wore me out and I was exhausted trying to get myself back up. I kept myself busy with academics, tutoring, co-op search and meetings.

I need a busy mind to avoid an empty mind. I do it a lot, I function under chaos and when my life is calm, I feel abnormal and lost. I grew up that way where I have constantly had to be thinking and moving around. There has never been a time in my life, not even while sleeping, have I stopped thinking.

I have been given the label of being a workaholic already. I have been told by many that I don’t know how to chill, relax or be lazy. Which is all true but that is how I function. That is my way of being sane and dealing with my depression. Everyone does something to cope with their mental illness and if it is not self-harming or slowly killing you then you are doing just fine.

It’s tough falling down again and again. It makes you self-doubt. I have doubted myself to the point where I thought I was not good enough to be there for someone else because I couldn’t be there for myself. When this happens you sit yourself down and talk to yourself where you remind yourself who you truly are.

And if you need a little help from your friends and family then call them up and make them remind you how you are worth it. How you are a superwoman or superman and you can fight this battle one more time or even 100 more times. But just don’t give up. It’s life. With that ending, here is a quote I absolutely love;

Indian Chameleon’s Obiter Dictum for the Day
You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.