A lot of the time, we forget two things when it comes to our parents. One is that they are people. and two is that they do have other identities other than ‘parent’. I know it’s hard to see our parents beyond parents. This leads to many situations and moments where it feels like it’s us against them. As if only one can be right, making the other by default wrong. It’s like there are two separate circles and can’t be a Venn diagram where there is a little part of you and them that actually aligns and sees eye to eye. I have personally had a dynamic relationship with my parents. Most kids do, it’s usually ups and downs never only ups.

But as you get older, I can vouch for one thing, is that your relationship with your parents’ changes. It’s not as constrained or ‘I feel trapped’ feeling anymore. In fact, I saw a meme that said that as you get older, you use your mom to say no to your friends’ plans because you can’t muster the strength to argue and be peer pressured into social events. For every 5 years, I would say, your relationship with your parents evolves. You have different types of conversations, you get along more or you don’t get along more, you learn to meet in the middle more, and you have more mature conversations that aren’t so reactional but well-thought-out. Of course, there are blips and hiccups but that’s how it is. No relationship is a smooth trip. This should be inclusive of our relationships with our parents too.

Only recently, I started seeing my parents as people and those who have their own shenanigans going on that are separate from me. They have their own life and they have other relationships they have to tend to. So I guess, once again, we as kids aren’t in the center of our parents’ universe either. We are pretty close to the center but not really the center. Furthermore, I had a big realization that all those arguments and disagreements that we have had in the past, which come to think of it could have been handled better, happened because we were all brought up differently, exposed to experiences, and interpreted situations differently. This would be the same case with our friends too, which makes me think that yes, eventually our parents end up organically being our friends. I know we usually get to choose our friends and we can’t choose our parents, but isn’t that discriminating? That we box our parents into the parent box and limit them to just that identity?

When I was younger, I wouldn’t really care to think about where my parents were coming from and that was mostly because I didn’t understand how they thought things through. It seemed so bizarre to me and backward at times that I would use all my might to get my way because I thought my way made total sense and was more realistic and in touch with how the world works. But that’s where I was wrong, our parents tend to keep us in a bubble to protect us from the ugly world which results in us actually knowing a version of the world and not the full reality. I think they do that because they don’t think and they are probably right, we are ready to know what the real world is like out there in our teen years where we are running around with 95% irrational, hormonal, cuckoo thoughts. Don’t find my argument convincing? Ok then let me make it more relatable for you.

Take a friend that you really care about and you see that he/she is going through some rough times. What is your first instinct of yours? To protect and help them right? and if you happen to have gone through those similar rough times, you will share your learnings and advise them and try your best to save them the trouble of trial and error by just giving them the remedies. Now, will your method of passing on these learnings, advice, etc. be in the best way possible always? Perhaps not. And you know for a fact, that your friend will eventually realize that you had the best intentions for them and still keep the friendship going. So why don’t we have this compassion towards our parents and why are we so quick to write them off?

People make mistakes, and parents are people at the end of the day. They will make mistakes, they will be pushy, and they will be annoying. However, we tend to forget all the good times, good conversations, the times when we did see eye to eye, and all the other happy moments. As much as we like to think that parents are controlling and are the ones who need to change themselves, I think what is more important is that we don’t shove them into a box in which they are not allowed a single mistake or misstep. That’s unfair and worse than being controlling. We don’t have these expectations from our friends, extended family, partners, and other folks because they aren’t realistic nor are they fair.

Now, this goes two ways. I ain’t saying that parents are always right, that being said they do end up being mostly right simply cause they have spent more time on this planet so they do have somewhat of an upper hand there. But one piece of advice to parents from my end, trust us too. Trust your kids to be able to make their own choices, now it might not always be the right choice but let them learn from their mistakes. You can warn them and advise them but don’t be forceful. Listen to them truly and respect their thoughts too. Your kids have grown up in a much different world than yours. They may or may not have gone through a version of your experiences as a child but let them understand on their own. Let them analyze, interpret, and experience on their own. Let them build their own conclusions and learnings. Let them have their own thoughts too.

Indian Chameleon’s Obiter Dictum for the Day
Mixing things up today! By giving you an activity, call up or go sit with your parents and have a chat. Just a simple chat. But with the following in mind, look at them and listen to them as you would if they were people. See if that finally hits you with: hey, they are people too at the end of the day.