Picking yourself, never done that, until now. I feel like that awkward Krill from Happy Feet after doing it. This dude, Bill, is played by Matt Damon, yep. (P.S my first time using images in my blogs, I hope putting an image off Google doesn’t get me into trouble.)

It’s a strange territory. Most of the time, picking yourself has been associated with selfish, self-obsessed, narcissistic, and self-involved. Being from an Indian culture and being a woman, my upbringing and environment with other women has discouraged us from picking ourselves. We have to be in service of someone from the minute we are able to till death. It’s so ingrained that many a time, women can’t even distinguish between wanting to do it from their own will or if it’s habitual. I noticed it recently cause of my relationship, where there are times where I am shocked that my partner doesn’t ‘automatically’ think or do something that is so ingrained and part of life. It took us arguments and awareness to realize that wait a minute, this is not something that is a. taught to our boys b. women are taught things since childhood through watching others or being told to do so that they can’t see that it’s actually not required action and c. how much emotional, mental, and eventually physically load is automatically assumed to be taken by a woman. Picking yourself and no longer doing service to someone like some unpaid job, is like going against the tide. It’s not encouraged and nor is it met welcomingly.

Personally, I have been a people pleaser most of my life. For multiple reasons but all sourced from the one and only, insecurity. I was and still am to an extent insecure. But not the kind that is insecure cause she doesn’t know something and needs to learn to do it because she can feel confident and secure. But the kind where, she doubts her intelligence, ability, beauty, and worth. Yep, the worst kind. My insecurity drove a lot of my decision making with my relationships – friendships, romantic, and professional. I thought that I had to be perfect and worth it, to be worthy of being loved and heard. This came mostly from my childhood of moving countries, being bullied by peers and teachers. I rarely thought about myself or my feelings, in the sense, that I rarely heard myself. I didn’t feel heard by others nor by myself. No one was truly listening to me and what I felt. If I tried, I would be shut down. Had many many many years of this. And it became second nature for me to put myself second. Until recently.

I picked myself by doing two things. 1. I resigned from a job that undervalued me. and 2. I didn’t go back to Minneapolis. After 1 year and 9 months, I decided to leave both. They weren’t worth it anymore. I tried and I had stopped myself multiple times for various reasons but in July, I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore and I didn’t want to. And that would be reason enough. I used to have this habit where I would overjustify and overexplain my big decisions. I would also consider what the repruccusions would be not only for myself but for my relationships too. This time, after much overthinking and overdiscussing with my parents and partner, I decided to really do something different and do what I wanted to do deep deep down which was to leave the job and never go back to Minneapolis. I remember on the evening that I cancelled my ticket, I stood in front of the temple and I looked at Ganesha and said to myself and him, well I picked myself, let’s see what happens now shall we? And on August 1, when I would have been heading to the airport with a heavy heart and tears and immense stress, I was instead heading to bed to sleep after an excellent Saturday to wake up in my bed the next morning to further enjoy my weekend with my family and cousin. That night, at 3 am, when I went to pee, I realized and smiled to myself and thanked myself, for picking myself. That moment, that I get to keep because of my decision to pick myself, will stay with me till the end. I didn’t think past that, I was just grateful to be at home, not on a flight, not trying to be someone I am not for reasons that didn’t truly matter to me and my wellbeing. Because I deserve to be picked too, and who better to pick me than me?